My Mommy

A year has gone by and I am still somewhat in denial about what happened this day, one year ago. Since then I have kept busy, I try not to think about that devastating day that changed my life forever. The day my Mommy went to heaven.

A lot of good things have happened in the last year, I got married to Jack, Nicole graduated from High school and started college, Jack and I took the girls to Maine and so many other good things … but still, I miss my Mommy. She has left a void that can never be filled, but has been showered with love from my family and friends.

I sit and think about her, I watch videos and look at pictures of her. I reminisce about the time we had together. I didn’t take my mom for granted, but the time with her I feel like I did. I thought my Mom would live forever.

Each day I would call my mom on my way home from work. It might be a 20 minute phone call, or it might be just 2 minutes. But, it was something I looked forward to doing each day. It never failed that I would call just as they were sitting down to eat dinner. She didn’t care; she ate and listened as I talked to her, giving her the details of my day.

Often I would get home and start to make dinner and realize I needed to call Mom and ask her how she fixes the dish I wanted to cook. She would laugh when it was time for me to make homemade cobbler. As simple as it was, I had to call her just about every time. Maybe I loved hearing my audible cookbook of my mother’s homemade recipes, and I am sure she loved the fact that I called. What I wish is that I recorded her giving me the recipe. Something I would love having and could pass on to my girls.

Sometimes I would be out shopping and see a bargain, I would give her a call and say “Mom, I found this … and it’s a great sale, would you like one?” or sometimes I would just buy it and surprise her with it. She did the same for me, many times.

One thing I knew for sure was that I could always just pick up the phone and call her anytime. I miss that so much.

I have so many wonderful memories of my Mom and when I am sad, I try very hard to remember something funny she did or said and it helps ease the pain. Well, today that’s not working so well.

I love and miss you so much Mommy.

Post from: Sherry and Jack

The simple things we take for granted…

Jack’s daughter Caitlin, graduated May 31st and my daughter Nicole, graduated on June 6th. Nicole also turned 18 on the 20th. So we were busy trying to get things ready for all the events that was about to happen.

We had a combination birthday/Graduation party for Nicole on May 23rd. We had lots of family and friends over and had a joyous time. She was having a good time with all her friends. We had our deck all decorated and lots of lights for the celebration. It was pretty much lit up like a light house, but very cool. Lots of food and drinks, family and friends were having a good time. It was so great to see some folks that we haven’t seen in a long time. As you may know, we hadn’t been getting any rain for quite some time. Of all the time, it started to rain that evening. Was it Murphy’s Law? Never fails when we have a party that it wants to rain. Maybe I should have more!

The following weekend, Jack and I flew to Iowa to attend Caitlin’s graduation. After we arrived and got settled in, we met up with Jack’s oldest daughter Alyssa for dinner that night. Jack parents, Jim and Ellie, were schedule to arrive later in the evening. Jack was ready to take me to all the little dives in the area. Everything I had and ate at was great.

I have never been to Iowa and I have to say, the parts I was in were beautiful and the countryside was gorgeous. It was reminding me of Tennessee a lot. With all the hills, green grass, farmlands, crops planted. We had some time to explore, so Jack drove us around and showed me some of the towns around the area. Bellevue is one of the towns that we visited that overlooks the Mississippi River, a little quaint picturesque town. The town was so inviting, how could one not want to go back?

During our trip there, we did some more sight seeing around Dubuque. Jack got to see a few friends and catch up with some other folks while we were out and about. I didn’t realize that across the river was Wisconsin. Jack drove across the bridge for me so now I can say I have been in Wisconsin. Yay, for a whole 10 mins! Maybe another time we can venture further into that state more, we didn’t have time on this trip. You could also see Illinois across the river as well. There were some areas where you could get some nice shots of the area and the other states.

Sunday arrived and it was time for Caitlin’s big day. The town, Andrew, was a small town. Reminded me of my hometown, where I graduated from. I think she had a few more students in her graduation class than I had. We had a whopping 17 I think .  But this town was a town like mine, where everyone knew everyone. I kind of miss that environment. Sometimes, I wish that my kids could have that experience too.

Caitlin got her diploma, parents, grandparents, family and friends were happy for this great achievement day. We were all so proud of her. It was her day for celebration. A day that we all waited for was long time coming, then its over to reach for the next milestone in our life.

Everyone gave and got their hugs, the day parted and our trip was nearing to an end.

We had some great times, and a few not so great times. But overall, a wonderful trip to remember.

As we started our journey back home, Jack and I had to go our separate ways when we changed flights in Chicago ( I love this city so you know) . Jack was headed off to Seattle for a business conference for his job. We have not been apart very much at all and I wasn’t liking it. Four days was a long time to be away from the love of my life. I was so glad when he arrived home.

Upon returning to home in Texas, the following weekend, yes, I told you that we were having a busy month! It was Nicole’s turn to walk the isle and receive her diploma. She attended a very large school, not a small school like mine. There were over 600 graduating seniors in her class. Thank goodness her last name didn’t start with a Z. The graduation was held at the Frank Erwin Center located downtown of Austin. With all the students, family and friends, there was no way we could do it at the school or smaller venue.

I was so happy to see her reaching this milestone in her life and was anxious to see what would be next. I was overwhelmed and happy for her. My oldest child was graduating from school and would be moving on. That was a lot to take in all at once. I can honestly say that I now know how my parents felt as I did the same thing. I am so proud of my daughter for this great achievement in her life.

She moved out about a week later to go live with her father in Houston. She was indecisive about which school to attend and what we could afford. She picked to go to Houston Community College and has chosen the Culinary Arts program with a degree in Applied Science with a minor in Business. We were fortunate for the FAFSA program, we received grants that has helped make this possible for her.

We still have one child left at home, Shelby. It’s a good thing because I don’t think I am ready for the empty nest syndrome yet! We have 5 years left for her to reach this great achievement.

Well, this about sums up the events of May & June. There is more to come so stay tuned and check back often. I am on a roll.

Hugs from our family to yours

Post from: Sherry and Jack

Graduation Time!

I’m told healing is a process. But, does one really heal completely? I am not sure yet, but I write this about my Mom and me, hoping that it helps me heal. That I find comfort by sharing her last few weeks on this earth with you.

The last few months of my Moms life, were spent in and out of the hospital. She would have these episodes of not being able to breathe, results from COPD and Lung Cancer she was diagnosed with four years earlier. She was also having issues of not being able to stand and walk much, results from the Bone Cancer she more recently developed. The cancer was much more aggressive this second time around. She had gone 4 yrs, longer than we all had expected. I thank GOD for every extra day he gave us with her.

The doctors had warned us that it would get worse from here on out. There was no good news. All we could do from here is try to make her as comfortable as we could. My mom was probably the most independent woman there ever was. It’s probably where I get it from . It was devastating for her not to be able to do things for herself, much less for anyone else. Before she was sick, my Mom would not sit still for 5 mins, just how she was.

The downhill spiral started on April 23rd. Mom was not feeling well earlier in the day and at 1 am she went into cardiac arrest. My brother called, he was crying. I knew then, this was very, very bad. By 1:30 am I was out the door and on my way to her. That was one of the longest drives I ever had in my life. Jack stayed behind to tend to the girls. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I arrived at the hospital and wasn’t sure that my girls were ready to see what was happening to my mom. I was afraid for them, for me, for all of us. I wasn’t ready to let go, not yet.

I got there and my brothers Johnny and Edwin and Mom’s best friend, Peggy, was there with her. Just watching her. She was in a coma, and hadn’t woken yet. We didn’t know if she was going to. All we could do was hope and pray. I wasn’t sure if we should tell her we love her and tell her it was ok to go, or beg her to come back to us. I knew she had suffered so much and for so long and she was ready to be with Pop. She missed him so much. What was the right thing to do? I wanted to be selfish and say, come back Mom because we were not ready. I was not ready….

Around 6 am, she came out of the coma. We were so excited and happy. She was like “what’s happening?” Later in the morning, she looked great, her color was returning, she was talking some. It was amazing how she pulled out of this. The doctors were amazed too. We were stunned…but happy. Deep inside though, I prayed that this was a good sign of good things to come. I remained optimistic.

Since I knew Mom was doing better, I headed back home so that I could help my daughter prepare for her Senior Prom that evening. It was hard to decide where I should be at that evening. My brothers took care of Mom so that I could be with my daughter for her high school milestone.

I returned to my Mom April 26th. We had a family meeting with the doctors that afternoon and decided that we, and my Mom, were ready to move toward hospice care. No one wants to admit they are ready for this. I didn’t look at this as if it was the end; I looked at it as if we were preparing her for her journey to see her maker, then her beloved husband Jessie.

We were not avid church goers; Mom believed you could worship God anywhere, anytime. My Mom believed in God and everything that surrounds him. She may not have spoken about it much, but she did. She had decided she was ready to move forward.

When I left on the 26th to be with my Mom, I hugged and kissed Jack and my girls and said, my Mom needs me and I need to go and not sure when I would come back. I just knew I couldn’t leave my Mom and knew that time was near. My job was gracious to let me work remotely from my Mom’s home as long as I needed.

I spent the night with Mom at the hospital. Since Mom was officially on hospice, she had been moved to treatments with morphine as part of her care. She took some breathing treatments with morphine as well, which meant we couldn’t be in the room while she took this; the side affects were not pleasant for us.

I brought my laptop, worked and sat in the chair most of the night while I watched her rest. She seemed so peaceful. Yet, hearing her breathe and sleep, it was scary. There was a moment, I did get scared as I watched my Mom, I called my brother Johnny around midnight. I knew he was so tired from taking care of Mom, working and everything else already, but he still came and stayed with me at the hospital with Mom. Comfort was setting in. That morning, Mom was feeling pretty good, not sure what gave her a spark of life, but we took what we were given and enjoyed every moment.

April 27th. More of the family and friends came and visited with Mom. We knew we were going home just didn’t know when. When everyone left, it was just me and Mom. Johnny and Ed went to Mom’s house to get everything ready for her arrival. We had hospice come out and set up her new bed and everything else we needed.

I took the opportunity while we were alone and got my Mom to let me record a video of her while she was alert and her happy go lucky self. She was not sure because she was wearing a net cap on her head (her hair was falling out from the chemo treatments) and didn’t think she looked OK. She was beautiful I told her and away we went. I got to make two videos. It’s so hard to watch them today, but knowing I have them, gives me some comfort. I may not always feel that comfort as I watch, but it does help in weird way.

We finally got to take her home later that afternoon. We learned that she was able to take the ambulance home instead of the car. She was happier with this choice. She was so afraid of how the trip would be sitting in the car. At this point, it took a lot out of her to just sit up in bed.

We finally got her home, moved her into her room and into her new bed. She was happy to be home, and we all could see it.

The nurses came out and helped us with her daily routine of meds and care. I was scared that I would do or give the wrong medication. There was so much to give and at different times for different things. I had no idea of everything that was involved….none.

But between, me , Johnny, Ed’s wife Joyce and Peggy… we got it and moved forward.

Nights were restless, she wanted to sit up and get out of bed. She would get so tangled up in the bed rails. I helped push her legs and feet back so she could sit cross legged how she likes. The morphine would cause her to do things that I wasn’t sure if I should be scared or what. My mom was always a heavy smoker, smoked since she was 15. She finally quit when she had no choice within the last year. Since being on the morphine, she would think she was smoking, even though she was not. She sits up in bed, rocks some and would be smoking, holding a cigarette that only she could see. She would ask for the ashtray because she didn’t want to drop her ashes. We would pretend to be holding it and she would smoke away. It was a habit of hers that could not be broken. She pretended to smoke til the day she died.

April 28th -29th Not sure which days, but Mom’s sister, Virginia had came and stayed with us a few days to help out. She would sit with Mom and they would talk about going gambling in Bossier City. My mom loved to gamble when she could. I would tell her that she gambles with her Rat Pack group. She would laugh and say “Yep!” Peggy, Virginia, Ann and Alice, they were her gambling friends…her great friends.

April 30th. Mom was awake and alert. She has the most sparkling green eyes. (I can still see them to this day). She was having a good day and was I happy to see this. I was finally getting the routine going. The nurses would come out everyday and help me with whatever I needed to get done. The hospice nurses were awesome and I don’t know how they do the job they do. They take care of people, knowing that they all will eventually pass away. It’s tough….

Days were long for me. I was seriously lacking sleep, I would try to take naps when I could, but Mom wouldn’t have it! Plus, I was afraid I would miss a moment of her being awake. I slept in the same room with her. I was never more than a few feet away. When she would have her restless moments, I would have to work hard to get her to lie down. I knew it was the meds that was doing this to her.

May 1st. It was a long night, she was restless, but didn’t do a lot of waking. Morning came and mom didn’t wake up like she had been. I just knew this was it. Nurse came and did her assessment and said that she had begun the stages of dying. Stages? I have been reading the book that hospice gives you that talks about the stages and what to expect. Maybe I wasn’t ready to see them, but the stages had already begun and I just wasn’t ready to recognize them. I was devastated… we knew timing was close, but didn’t know if it was days or weeks.

We were preparing for the worst. We had gone to the funeral home this day and made all the arrangements in advance. No way was I going to be able to do this when the day comes. I didn’t want to.

Later that evening, there were still no improvements, nothing. As she slept, we played some of her favorite gospel music. She loved Elvis Presley and many others.

May 2nd Mom woke up like nothing had ever happened. She must have just gotten well rested because she was very alert and wanted to get out of bed and drink some coffee and eat some breakfast. These were signs that I loved to see. I was seeing more of my Mom than the disease and medicine that had taken over. Aunt V fixed her some eggs and she ate all of it. Probably the best she had eaten in the last week or so. Up until this day, she hadn’t eaten much. We were giving her any kind of soft food that we could give her. She wasn’t able to feed herself much so we would give her what we could, she ate what she could. Prior to today, she wasn’t eating, thinking it was another sign of the “stages”.

As we later learned, this episode was called a “Rally”, where one suddenly improves.

We got her out of bed and put her in the wheelchair and took her to the dining room to enjoy some coffee with all of us. By this time, we were so ecstatic, we had called the entire family and said they need to get over here and see Mom. We were all there, us kids, the grandkids, Mom’s sisters and brother, the in-laws, friends, we were all there. Mom looked amazing and she had life in her eyes, her sparkling green eyes. I have some pictures and video of that morning. She was talking to all of us. She talked about going gambling one last time, yes, gambling. I told you she loved to gamble, her favorite pastime with her friends. There was a moment where she was loving on Jack, and saying how much she loves him. Mom told me right then at the table, if he wasn’t already taken, she would have to make move on him. She was something else that day, she was Mom.

I tell people, if you were not there or haven’t seen the short video, you would not believe it. I have never seen anything like it. I had no idea what to expect when they talked about Rally’s or if it even really existed and really happens at all. It did and we were grateful and blessed for the day we had. But at the end of the day, I knew…the old saying, it gets better before it gets worse and I didn’t want this feeling to go away. I was happy for this day.

May 3rd She didn’t wake like normal. Maybe Mom had a little too much excitement on Saturday. So we thought she was just exhausted from the day before. As I was doing her medication, I noticed some things were changing on her. Even when the nurse came out she noticed some changes too. The biggest one was “mottling”, it was getting worse. Mottling is when the skin gets spotted and blotchy, it is another sign that death is imminent. Parts of her body were getting cool and with the mottling, it was nearing.

Mom sleeps most of the day, we continue to play her music and let her rest. I rest some…but hard to sleep and not cry knowing death was coming. Was I going to feel peace? comfort? sadness? angry? I don’t know what I was expecting. I just know I am not ready.

May 4th Nights have been long, Jack and the girls have been up for the weekend and went back. I was so glad that they were here and was able to see mom in the good spirit as we all witnessed. I was so praying for that same spirit to return today. I was missing Jack, Shelby and Nicole. I was missing my mom.

Mom was not doing well today. We were seeing more signs today. I was going through the book reading all I could. I was intrigued with the process but wasn’t prepared for it to be my mom. The “death rattle” had started. We thought we heard it the day before, but wasn’t sure. I was sure today was the end. She was one step closer. How could I hold her back, I didn’t want her to move closer. My selfish side was kicking in and I was doing everything I could to keep her alert, talk to her, move her, shake her, and let her know I was here and that I wasn’t leaving. It wasn’t working; I was being defeated by God.

Peggy was with there with me today, kept me company. She loves my mom so.

The nurse came by and did the daily duties with Mom. We gave Mom a bath, washed her hair. Her hair was so thin from the last chemo treatments. It was still pretty with the grey that blended in with her natural coloring. I would brush it til it was just right. I would just talk to her, even though I knew she wouldn’t talk back, but I knew she could still here me, somewhere down in there.

As night falls, she continues to be restless.

May 5th Moms stirs around some this morning, restless still. I was alone with her this morning some. The nurse came out and did the usual routine. Mom sat up and would try to talk, I told her I love her and she told me she loves me too. She lay back down, she didn’t look good. Something had changed, she was changing. Maybe I knew.

Her skin color had been changing over the last few days. The mottling was getting much worse, she was continuing to get colder, and her posture was different. I couldn’t put my finger on all of it, but I knew something was happening. Peggy agreed with my observations, something was not right. I called my brothers and told them I thought they better come home now.

Edwin and Johnny arrived and we just talked to Mom and did what we could to get through the day. More of the family came later to visit.

Mom wasn’t really responding, she would just mumble some words and her eyes would stay closed most of the time. Mom’s breathing was changing and it was scaring me. We each took some time to be with her, finding that peace we need knowing that she would soon be gone. I called Jack and told him I think today is the day.

Mom would open her eyes and look up at the ceiling, at one point she was trying to reach for something. Was it God? Was it Pop? What was she reaching for? Who is she trying to talk to? I had read in the book I was given that they would do this. I was frightened but yet calm. I knew that she was seeing something that she wanted. She was getting ready to go to her new home.

Mom took her final breath at 4:25pm that day. I was devastated. I felt like my life ended with hers.

May 7th we had the visitation this evening. There were so many friends and relatives. She was so loved and will be so missed by everyone. It is still so painful, it’s like I am living a nightmare and can’t wake up.

May 8th Day of the funeral. The service was beautiful, the flowers, plants everything. Mom was beautiful.

My oldest daughter Nicole read a poem that Jack wrote for my mom. Home at Last.

It was hard for most of us not to cry, some did, I did. Nicole did a wonderful job reading the poem. She wanted to do it for her Ma. My children miss their Ma. We all miss her so much.

Aug 31st It’s almost been 4 months since she has passed away. It still feels like it was just yesterday. I can’t help but wonder if I will ever get passed this stage. I feel like I am stuck in between and can’t move forward. I am sure time heals, but how long? So much has happened with our family since she has passed on. I can’t fill her shoes and keep us all together. I can’t help but wonder if our family will ever be the same again.

I miss my mom more than I can ever express in words. I love you mom.

Post from: Sherry and Jack

The Healing Process

I was fortunate to spend some time with her during her last few days.  This poem reflects some of the events from those days with her friends and family.

Home at Last

I lay here in the twilight
Remembering the daylight
Feeling the darkness approach

I watch him working in the garden
I smile inside
Darkness slips nearer

I hear friends telling stories of our youth
I smile inside
Darkness slips nearer

The house is filled childrens’ laughter
I smile inside
Darkness slips nearer

I feel hugs from my family
I smile inside
Darkness slips nearer

I see him watching me, waiting for me
I smile inside
Darkness slips nearer

I hear their tears but cannot speak
I feel his arms around me
Darkeness falls

All is bright
I smile with him
I am home at last

Rest in Peace Janette Sutton – you are already missed.

Post from: Sherry and Jack

Home at last

Colton Sutton and his Dad

Both of us have family members that have been diagnosed with Cancer – including both of Sherry’s parents. Our nephew, Colton Sutton will be taking part in the “Relay for Life”, raising money to help fight and beat cancer.  Colton is a tough little guy that knows a thing or two about hospitals – thats part of why he wants to help end cancer.

Colton has been called a walking miracle.  From the day he was born he has had one medical issue after another.  We asked his Dad to remind us of a few so we could list them here – this is what he sent:

1. Coarctation- crimped artery not allowing proper blood flow to heart when he was roughly 15 days old.
2. VSD- Ventricular Septic Defect large hole in heart 8mm in size. Surgery consisted of placing a patch over hole to keep blood in chambers to keep heart from over working. Surgery was to last 4 hours but stayed on by-pass machine for 9 hours due to weak heart. Had to be revived 3 different times on table before he finally accepted to live. Had to leave chest open after surgery due to heart being swollen because chest would not close. Chest is now wired shut with titanium steel. This surgery was performed about 20 days old. Spent a total of 6 weeks in hospital. Ambulance ride from Ennis to Childrens in Dallas.  By plane from Children’s in Dallas to Scott & White in Temple. Black Hawk helicopter from Scott & White in Temple to Breckenridge Children’s in Austin. Had to go every 6 months for cardiologist check up then every year & now on once every 2 years.
3. 4 wheeler accident on May 13 (Friday). Lacerated liver, degloved left arm (removed all skin & muscle off of bone & hanging off hand), broke left arm at elbow,  80% facial fractures, 90% fracture to entire right eye orbit & numerous reconstructive facial surgeries while in hospital.
4. 4 wheeler accident with grandmother where it flipped over giving him 10 staples to back of skull.
5. 7 stitches to left eye brow from running into pole from being chased at school.

Ok, thank you for bringing back memories & making me cry damnit…..lol!

So this little guy has been through a lot, yet he wants to help others. Let’s all help him do it. Sponsor Colton Sutton in the relay for life.

Post from: Sherry and Jack

Help Fight Cancer

You can see it in their eyes,
in tender hugs and long  good-byes,
A love that only moms and daughters know.

You can see it in their smiles
through passing years and changing styles
a friendship that continually seems to grow

You can see it in their lives
the joy each one of them derives
in just knowing that the other one is there

To care and to understand
lend an ear or hold a hand
and to celebrate the memories they share

Post from: Sherry and Jack

Mothers and Daughters

Toward the end, after pizza, cake and ice cream was consumed. And the gifts opened. We sat back, watched the kids all playing outside.  It took all I had to not to cry. I guess I am  having a bit of reality check. Shelby is now an official teenager and not my baby anymore. Watching our kids grow up, I am happy to see that we have managed to raise happy children.

Post from: Sherry and Jack

We Survived!

Shelby will soon be our only child left at home. Nicole, will be turning 18 in May then Graduating in June. After graduation she will be moving to Houston to live with her father and attend college. All of this will be happening within 3 weeks. Can I handle all this and not be overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions? (Jack says not likely) I’m now starting to see what it was like and how my parents felt when I did the same thing.  As a graduate of High School and ready to move on as quickly as possible, I was excited to see where the path leads me, as I am sure she is experiencing the same excitement. I am very happy and proud of her as any parent would be. Just trying to be prepared as much as possible…but can you really be?

Just last night Jack and I were talking about when it’ll be Shelby’s turn to move on, we won’t hear anymore laughing, playing, yelling, fighting, complaining, TV blaring, etc… It might be nice for a while.  Then it will be time for grandkids…well, we hope its not too soon and don’t mind the wait. We will just enjoy the peace and quiet til then.

Post from: Sherry and Jack

Milestones

Post from: Sherry and Jack

My (soon to be) in-laws coming to town

Post from: Sherry and Jack

Cherish your children